COLD FURY 16: UNSTOPPABLE will deliver the most important wrestling action in New England in the history of ever. RJ DeLuise, The Heavy D of Hyperbole, is here to present my unapologetic, unflinching, unbelievable, uninformed takes on this year’s winter classic as only I can. So many matches, so many words to type, let’s jump right in, shall we???
Heavyweight Title. Currently, Chase Del Monte is the top of the Chaotic Wrestling heap. Cream of the crop. Young upstart/hardened veteran, Elia Markopoulos came out of The Chase for the Gold Tournament as the clear number one contender.
Elia is a Chaotic original, starting his wrestling training at the tender age of 13 at the NEPWA (New England Pro Wrestling Academy, formerly the Chaotic Training Center) – he’s been training his whole life for this one shot. Will he capitalize on this Golden opportunity or will he return to mid-card obscurity??? As a reformed Del Maniac who is on the payroll of The Mill City Hooligans, this online blog boy leans heavily towards the Champ here, but I also believe in Greek magic. No way this match disappoints, that is a DeLuise DeClaration.
Three Way Dance for the New England (NY) Title – so much here that DeLuise DeLights me. First, the current Champ is one of my favorite wrestlers on Earth, “The Man of Steel” Mike Verna. He can do it all: the brains, the skills, the physique, the attitude, the love for the NY Mets – Verna is my create-a-wrestler but in real life. Christian Casanova made the smartest DeLuise DeCision of his career re-branding as Killanova, Inc.; he’s way less Jackson and MORE Tyson, Jordan, action, pack guns, ridiculous and he’s quick to bust if his ends you touch – certified DeLuise DeLightitude with this kid. Then there’s Montana’s favorite son, Traaaaaaaaaaavis “Flip” Gordon – the kid’s unreal athletically; other ‘nother level stuff from him – not sure he will be able to Flip his way to victory and re-gain his title against this field, but I also wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he DeLuise Does. This has 5 stars written all over it.
Brick Mastone has been turning heads for some time in New England. He is walking into the biggest match of his life. This is not hyperbole, this is the biggest match of his life. The American Nightmare, Cody Rhodes is as good as any to ever lace up boots. The son of a son of a plumber will return to Chaotic with an axe to grind and will look to make quick work of Mastone. Brick City should NOT be taken lightly and will do everything he can to get the W.
Mixed Tag Team Match. “The Kingpin” Brian Milonas and the DeLuise Dominant Davienne take on Miguelito Webb & Ashley Vox. The Kingpin is a Cold Fury fixture like random appearances from Chaotic’s past legends. Davienne is the most impressive female competitor in recent history. Their team will be tough to beat. Mikey Webb and newcomer Ashley Vox will need to build chemistry quickly if they are going to strategize their way to victory in this marquis matchup.
JT Dunn is Pro Wrestling’s savior (self-proclaimed). War Beard Hanson is one-half of the most dominant tag team this side of The Logans, in War Machine. There could be death in this match – not like actual real death, more like an elbow death or a kinda-war death, which sound very much real, but in reality, you live through physically, but never recover from emotionally. These are two of the top talents in the world. Not New England, not at your local Polish-American Veteran’s Center, actual International Superstars at the top of their respective games. This is a main event match anywhere on Earth.
Four teams, one (set of) Tag Team Titles. The Logan Brothers are 9-time Chaotic Wrestling Tag Team Champions. They are the greatest tag team to tag team. EYFBO…PQRSTU may B legit, The Cam-An Re-Connection is intriguing, Locked and Yoda’d (because Locked and Loaded was a tag team and because (Scotty) Slade is short and wise like the film character Yoda) are also formidable.
Again, this chunky chatterbox is clearly biased in this regard. Four teams enter, Logans leave with their belts, rinse and repeat for the rest of ever. No other way this goes. If I were FORCED to pick a team other than The Logans to win this match, I would pick The Blowout Boys (who I recognize don’t currently exist and are not and will not be in this match).
One week away from Chaotic’s biggest night. If you think I wouldn’t miss this, you are certainly right.
Until next time, may all your DeLights be DeLuise.
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